Shane’s Neighborhood

Listen to How Many Times by Lalah Hathaway now. Feel so nostalgic, and yes, too much thing that happened last to this day. I've made up my mind -- wanna leaving UiTM Machang for sure, because I cannot cope up with subject of statistics-mathematics anymore. Sometimes, they are so hard for me to understand. Well, change is better.

So what's next ? Yeah.. for sure, law. Pre -degree or foundation (A-level) of law in UiTM. I think it's better for me to make a win-win situation. Psychology ? yes, sure. My favorite course in that program luckily. Now I have the chance to learn something about humanity close enough.

Hey, try Lalah Hathaway - How Many Times ! The song makes me jazzy.

Now, maybe I got the chance to take diploma in psychology. I fucked up in UiTM with my current course--diploma in statistics. Somehow, it is so hard for my parents to let me go. So many pro and con, leaving me no other choice. If I study hard, my entrance to UKM will very worth it. I can't continue my life anymore if I stuck in UiTM.

Have you ever heard of this phrase :

'' If you realize that you are now doing something stupid, stop !''

Just because I'm not believe in Him, doesn't mean that I am wrong. You think that I am wrong just because you think that you are right. You think that your religion is absolutely true. You forgot that belief is not simply a knowledge. Respecting other people's opinion is what we call liberty.

~ Unsent letter to Hannah (2009)

My mother called me last night to wish me a happy Thanksgiving.  She's been calling a lot more often lately.  When I asked her how she was she said "fine," but it wasn't very convincing.  When I told her that she didn't sound fine she said "I understand now what you kids went through with your father."  That comment is haunting me. I told her that nobody should have to go through that.

My father was violent and moody when we were kids.  He didn't drink or use drugs, but he was in a lot of pain at times.  He had a bad childhood himself.  The way he treated us was traumatic to all three of us, but the other two are still in denial about the situation, so I'm the only one my mom can talk to about it, I imagine. 

My father is not in very good health and he has some dementia.  He has been very depressed and that doesn't help his mood any.  All these years he really never took much of his temper out on my mom, but now he does.  He doesn't hit her, but he yells at her.  His sudden mood changes, along with the lack of feeling on his part, is not helping her already nervous condition. 

They live in a house with my sister and her husband.  They share a kitchen, but otherwise have separate houses.  My sister has been going through her own problems, so I don't think that she's much help to my mom in this.  Fortunately, two of her sisters live only 20 miles away and they have offered her support and a place to stay for a few days if she needs a break.

My way of surviving my childhood was to get out as soon as possible.  I went to college, got married, and moved halfway across the country.  I don't visit often and I'm not close to my brother or sister, who are both younger than me.  About 20 years ago when I had my first child and my father had his first stroke, I got very depressed and had a breakdown where I had to deal with all my anger about my childhood.  I had blocked out the memories and the feelings, but they all came rushing back and I had to learn to deal with my anger in other ways. 

I don't think my brother or sister have every dealt with their feelings.  In the past they have lectured me about the way I treated my parents.  I thought they were crazy.  Some of the most traumatic things in my childhood were things I witnessed that happened to them.  Now we all show signs of the damage our childhood caused us, but they are still in denial about it. 

Over the years my mother has expressed regret about the way things were and her part in not protecting us from our father.  Our relationship has gotten a little better over the years.    I'm sorry she is suffering now.     Her doctors have told her to put my father in a home, but she refuses to, saying that it is her job to take care of him.  I hope she remembers to take care of herself too.

Gosh! I'd really miss Vox...... Now, this sem's break is shall filled with nice moment. Snapping some pictures, writing some entries and poems, reading some materials, and hangin' out with my friends. Yeah !

22-23okt09 055

The cooperative gallery I am a part of moved to larger quarters in a desperate attempt to survive.  Sales were dropping at our old location to the point where we were going to run through our buffer capital and then we would never have a chance to move.

After an extensive search, we found a property closer to the city market and across from a popular restaurant.  Sales have been promising so far, especially for me. 

Last night was the grand opening event and we had quite a crowd.  I had some new clothes to wear and hubby and I planned to go out to dinner afterward.  I had to work the register for an hour and during this time sales were brisk.  Everybody in the cooperative had some part in the event and it was good to see everybody dressed up and working together. 

After my hour was over, hubby and I went out for dinner and we had a nice time despite the fact that I was hurting pretty badly by that point.  It was a very nice evening and hopefully a profitable one for the gallery.

Long distance calls, counting change to pick up the phone.
several beers and the change I get back, stored for the walk to the payphone. 
Talking on the phone is all I want to do but you do not answer.  I wonder what you are doing, imagine that you are sleeping or working or picking up the phone, looking at the number, knowing that number is the payphone for a bar that I have called from before.  Cell phones give me away so I call from obscure locations, hoping to catch you off guard.
You answer, what do I say to you?  I want to tell you that all I do is think of you and wish we were closer, that's not what comes out.  I ask how your doin'? I get one worded answers, "fine".  I feel stifled, my thought process ceases to exist.

dialtone

Why can't I talk?

This is the story of my flu episode.  You've been warned.

Last Friday my hubby came home from his job at a college with a bad cough and went straight to bed.  As he often does when he is really sick he moaned and groaned.  Poor boy!  I stayed by him to help him even though I was afraid to catch it.  I had had a flu shot a week ago and I thought I was safe. 

Hubby went to work on Saturday for a special class, then came home and went back to bed with fever and chills again, along with the bad cough.  I did what I could for him, giving him moral support if nothing else.  By Sunday evening he was feeling better, although he coughed for several more days.

Unfortunately, by Sunday evening I was starting to feel it.  My problems were somewhat different, though.  I didn't cough (probably because of my pain meds) and I felt alternately hot and cold.  I also had a bad headache.  That often happens when I get a virus, ever since I had mono that attacked my brain lining in college.  

I started resting and drinking fluids.  I am one of those people who are high-risk for the flu because of my asthma and other medical problems, so I was taking this seriously and helping my body out all I could.  I also took some decongestants which kept me up all night.  I felt alternatively too hot and too cold all night and finally began to sleep the next  morning. 

On Monday during the day I felt tired, but not too bad until evening when I started to feel so icy cold--as if somebody was wiping me down with alcohol.  This was even the parts of me under the covers.  I started to feel really bad around midnight and started vomiting.  After that I was unsteady on my feet, confused,  and my back and neck hurt terribly.

The next day was spent in bed with constant vivid dreams (all anxiety type dreams).  I was freezing cold with no fever, but I was dizzy and weak and everything hurt.  I was so helpless that I couldn't go beyond a few steps.  I had trouble getting my sons to hear me asking for help and at one point I just burst into tears.

That night was absolutely horrible.  I was having chills and nausea and I really wanted to quit. I felt that if I had to go through another long night of chills I was going to die.   Unfortunately, quiting wasn't an option.  My body just had to get through this somehow.  I listened to a meditation piece about listening to your body, so I acknowledged did that and  the anxiety eased some.  Then I started vomiting again. 

The next morning (Wednesday) I woke up feeling not quite so cold.  I was still having twinges of cold, but I was having some normal sleep in between.  I was extremely tired and still had a terrible headache, but I began to feel as if I might survive.  I stayed in bed though.  I have a bad history of getting up and out too soon and getting sick again and I don't want pneumonia again. 

I also realized that I was so depressed because I had been off my antidepressant, so I got my prescription picked up and I'm feeling better psychologically now.

By Thursday afternoon I felt a little like myself and on Thursday evening I spent an hour or so on the computer before crashing again.  As I write, it is Friday afternoon.  I still have a headache and I'm watching out for this chest congestion.  I hope I can avoid a secondary infection, so I am taking things VERY easy.

So far the boys show no sign of infection.  They aren't in a lot of close contact with us and I've reminded my younger son several times to wash his hands after being in contact with me.   

I advise everybody who can to get a swine flu shot along with their regular shot.  This is nasty stuff.  I haven't been this sick in years and years.  If you're young and healthy you might get through it quickly, but it is nothing to fool with.   I intended to get a swine flu shot when they were available, but now I don't have to.  I would much have rather had the shot!

Don't call it as a mistake, but call it as a education
                        - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

I found it in a book entitled 'Dare To Fail' written by Billi Lim. It filled my this weekend, and help me went trough everything. I'm down, when I cannot taking course in psychology-- had to finish my diploma and degree in statistics in UiTM. Pursuing my dreams in clinical psychology is just a dream still. My plan is working in medical center in Terengganu after finishing the psychology course, living in Terengganu and building a career there is just a dream still. Everything is just a dream still. You know what, I'd dreamed to become a psychologist since I was form 3 in my high school in MARA Junior Science College (MJSC) Transkrian. Somehow, in UiTM, they don't have that course. Then I take the best second choice-- Statistics, and I have come so far. My envy can't describe how I loathe myself because ignoring my ultimate dream. Everytime I see the students of faculty of behavioral science in another university, I become jealous more and more. My friends adviced me that my job oppoturnity is high if I stay in UiTM with this course of statistics. I also had realised this matter. It is the best for me this time to stay in institute. Maybe choosing this course is a mistake, but it teaches me not to give up and learn to find a way. A way in facing the hardship, survive in this course, having great job for me as a statistician or whatsoever, and learning to appreciate the chance given. Maybe it is not too late to continue studying my interest after finishing my degree in statistics while busy with my career. If it is my mistake, then it would be my education.