72 posts from 2008

A few days ago I posted on a yahoo group I belong to called freecycle.  It's a great deal because they advertise free stuff that people don't want anymore.  My add was a simple 1.  I said WANTED - Christmas - Greenville.  Then I proceeded to tell the list that I had 4 kids and a wife that I was in need of some presents for.  I figured wth, why not give it a try.  The next day I got a message in my inbox from somebody that wanted to know our total situation.  I'm not the kind to complain a whole lot but I went ahead and told her all about losing my house and having extra kids that I hadn't planned on.  I explained how I was on disability and that we were only able to get a few stocking stuffers with the rest of our bill money.  I'm hoping the electric co doesn't shut us off till we can get at least some of it paid.  She came to my house and picked me & Deb up and took us to the best walmart around here, it's about 40 miles away.  She told Deb to try to keep it around $50 for each of us.  I was shocked, as was Deb.  The lady was an incredible example of human kindness.  She even took us to dinner.  Deb, being the frugal person that she is, came in $23 under what the lady had told us and we still got enough presents to make everybody happy.  The lady gave us the remainder of the cash she had planned on spending and bought us a ham and pumpkin pie for Christmas dinner.  I was almost in tears.  I'm not a cryer folks but this was beyond what I had expected.  We'll just call this walking angel Layla.  Layla told us that she had become a christian and wanted to do something to express to the world what she gelt in her heart.  Now you know that I'm a confirmed atheist so this was a little odd for me to see a selfsacrifising act.  I believe that everyone has their own faith and I respect everyone's right to have their own faith.  But every church in my area has problems with self-sacrifise.  Layla showed me what real faith in God can do.  I'm still an atheist but I do thank Layla for her act of kindness.  She is proof that not all christians are self-serving monetary horders.  Enjoy your Christmas time and any other holiday you observe.  And know that there are people out there that really do care for whatever reason.  God, Great Spirit, Vishnew, or whoever you worship bless you all this holiday season.  Shane

The other night I was going to bed.  My brain hurt and I wanted to shut it down before it exploded.  There I was, laying in my bed, drifting into dreamland.  I listen to my playlists when I sleep so music was slowly lulling me to sleep.  Then, out of the cold dark night, it hits me like a brick in the face.  One poem that just insisted that it be written.  I crawled out of bed & stood over my puter.  The freakin poem was lashing me like a whip.  My son's cat was in my chair so I had to stand to type it up (she gets cranky if you desturb her).  I get it typed up and head back to my bed.  Another song comes up on the list and BAM! another poem.  I drag my nekkid butt out of bed one more time to stand over my puter and get it typed up.  The whole time I'm thinking "just let it end so I can sleep," my brain really was hurting.  I had been helping my son with a paper on technology in the classroom during the evening.  That stuff will eat your brain out with all the information you can get.  So there it was, the poem that almost knocked me out of bed, done.  Now it was time for some much needed rest.  I slipped between the sheets and was trying to ignore the songs emitting from my speakers.  My cat was starting to purr on my head as she tends to sleep there from time to time.  Drifting deeper and deeper.  Then like a bug trying to crawl in your ear, here comes another poem.  Not as insistant but still there.  I crawl out of bed, pissing my cat off to no end, and start typing up the last poem.  Deb walks in and tells me I'm supposed to be in bed.  I'm thinking "DUH!" but what else am I going to do with these things?  So finally I get back into bed and snuggle up to a nice warm woman.  I don't know if any more poems hit me because the sound of her snoring knocked me out in just a few minutes.  So here they are friends and neighbors.  The poems that wouldn't let me rest.

Feel Me Breathe

The rise and fall
The in and the out
Faster and faster
Deeper and hold it
Explode like a bomb
Soft to the touch
Skin covered in bumps
Hairs so soft and thin
Sparce covering for warmth
Hot and flowing like a breeze
Feel me my love, feel me breathe.

M. Pinnell

Hush My Love

Hush my love
And let nature take its course
Hush my love
And let life flow through you
Hush my love
And let no fear appear hence
Hush my love
And all will be well with us
Hush my love
Do not ruin the moment we have
Just hush my love
And feel me with you forever.

M. Pinnell

Alive and Bleeding

Cut me to the quick
Let the pain flood me
Life flowing like water
Tides rising higher
You see to know life
But you bleed to live
Breathe deep and savor
The scent of everlast
Skin parts to show the red
And so quickly we stop the
Breath inside us all
Take flight to hereafter
Because here we sit
Alive and bleeding.

M. Pinnell

I heard from my daughter that her landlord shot himself in her yard.  Fanfuckintastic!  Like the kid hasn't been traumatized enough by seeing her mother right after she died.  My daughter Andrea was the only 1 of my kids to see in our bedroom the day my wife died.  I wish I knew wat to tell her but I'm stumped.  I have no idea how to handle something like this.  I'm not a very good grief counselor.  If she wasn't 900 miles away it might be easier to at least hug her and tell her it'll be alright.  I don't know much about the situation leading up to this guy blowing his head off but I think it was wrong to make his 14 yr old daughter watch and then my daughter find him.  Depression I understand all too well but making life harder for other people in your demise is uncalled for.  My eldest daughter had absolutely nothing to say about it when my younger daughter called her.  My son didn't answer his phone so I don't know what he would've said.  Then she calls me to tell me that she's bummed and scared and reminded of her mother and all I can say is "I'm sorry Fred".  WTF do you say to something like that?  She's a strong kid but there is only so much you can go thru before you start wanting to chew on a bullet yourself.  If I had my way, she'd been up here a long time ago and wouldn't have had to see such a thing.  Her life for the past 8 years has been 1 hell of a hard ride becauser the assholes that took my kids had no idea of who they were or wat they knew.  You can't steal a man's children and expect them to just get over it.  My eldest is in AZ with her biodad and sponging off him till he dies I guess.  The other 2 are getting on with their lives but damn this kind of shit sux rox.  Welp that's my day.  See y'all in the funny papers. 

Well I wrote 2 more poems yesterday.  It being thanksgiving I was thrilled to get up early. BUT! This getting up at 6:15AM is starting to get annoying.  The poems hit me when they hit me but do they have to knock me out of bed? I'm not complaining (much) but the 2 I wrote yesterday were kind of weird.  I woke up, ran thru the first 2 lines and then came out and kicked my son off the puter so I could get the first 1 down.  He was less than pleased but he understands my writing habbits so he didn't bitch, he just closed out of what he was doing and got out of the way.  Good boy.  He sat there and watched me crank out the first 1 and asked if I was done so he could turn on the tv.  Sometimes my son surprises me.  He waited till the 2nd 1 was done and then I got up and he came back and went back to what he was doing.  Easy process.  I gave him an extra piece of pie for being so understanding.  It was great pie too, carmel apple.  We had a huge feast yesterday too.  A turkey the size of a small child and every trimming you could ask for.  My ex-dil had her new guy bring me a splenda peach cobbler.  It was the bomb.  Hard to find good desserts that a diabetic can afford but he came up with a really good 1.  I don't know what my BS was last night but I passed out around 9 because it was so high.  We did have a great time tho.  Well here's the 2 poems I wrote yesterday morning.  If you don't understand them don't feel bad, neither do I lol.

Aware

The world as we know it
Ages coming and going
Layers of reality stacked
Can we see them all?
Can they be a possibility?
Love shows us all we need
Through those eyes everything
Touched by chance or
Driven by fate we embark
On times for us a present
On times for us a future
There is no boundries
There is no walls
Know love
And then you become aware.

M. Pinnell

The Present

All we know is here and now
All we see we believe most
Truth in action is real to percieve
Unbeknownced to us fate or faith
Love in time is a mystery
Love in our here is a wonder
Every essence a new awakening
But is it all there is?
Know to be known
See to be seen
And hold on to each other
For the ride is incredible
And love is everpresent.

M. Pinnell

I WROTE A POEM YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!  It woke me up at 6:15 AM and drove me to the puter.  I couldn't believe it.  It wasn't my best work but it hit the creative spot.  I've been stressing over trying to find me a creative spot but I think it's like a wise friend of mine said," the spot is more inside than out."  Hopefully I'll get back to writing again now that the dam broke.  Thanksgiving first tho.  I've got some work to do on our trailer for the holiday but I'll try to squeeze in a few more poems.  And of course I'll share.  Here's the one that woke me up.

Before We Met

There was darkness and pain
All around crowds of no one
Suffering was a premium
Life was a bore to be unlived
Then we met
Life turned on its head
Hell became heaven inside
Time stood still for us
There was no end to wonder
Life will be lived now
For you came to put breath
In my lungs and sight to my eyes
There was nothing before we met
Now everything is before us.

M. Pinnell

Tell us how you met your significant other.
Submitted by Luda

There I was sitting in front of my puter looking at screen names in an AOhelL chatroom.  I came across "Slymuffin".  I thought to myself "hmmm, sneaky pu**y."  So I introduced myself and asked her her real name.  She was quite a talker on the net.  She had been in chatrooms for a while.  Ever since her husband died she needed somebody to talk to so here she was.  I had an experience similar to hers in that my wife had died.  She asked if she could call me so we could talk better as my typing is kind of slow.  I heard the softest southern drawl over those phonelines and melted like butter.  She was from NC & I spent my summers in MS learning that southern drawl to a tee.  She was sweet and interesting and I didn't know what to do with myself.  I asked if I could meet her.  She told me where she lived and I drove down there that next weekend.  I pulled up in the gas station parking lot and gave her a call and she said she was waving to me out the window of her living room.  I looked across the street and there she was.  I pulled over there & parked in the back yard.  I met her son first, a 6' boy of 22.  He introduced himself and said I'll go get my mom.  She came out and my heart jumped in my chest and I nearly fell over.  I had to grab my truck for support.  I had been having dreams of these eyes following me for about 6 months.  There were those eyes.  The exact set I knew so well from all of those dreams.  The next couple of weeks we spent as much time as we could together on the puter & phone but that wasn't good enough for me.  I moved in with her and we've been together since.  That was nearly 8 years ago.  I've never been a real "think your way through it" kind of guy but my choices have lead me to some great women.  I met my first wife in Nov. and we were married by the next Jan.  I sure can pick em.

I woke up at 4 in the freakin morning again.  This time for 2 good reasons. I had a very bad memory dream and heartburn.  The burning was nothing that a little coffee couldn't cure but the dream sucked.  Right now my ex dil is going through some things with Dept of Children & Family Services.  It brings back very old memories of when the judge took my kids because I had no money to fight for them after my first wife died. 

     It goes like this: my wife died and before she was even cold, my mil called and found the best family lawyer in our city to get them away from me.  I admit my house was a total wreck.  Dirty clothes a mile high in the laundry room & soda cans almost everywhere.  I have no defense for this.  I spent most of my time watching the kids and worrying about Ethelyn so cleaning wasn't high on my list of things to do.  I let the place go to hell. When we finally washed all the clothes it took an entire laundry mat and over $150 to get them all done.  This was back in 2000 so prices were a little better but not by much.  I had help cleaning up after she died and it was much appreciated.  It was just too little too late.  The cops took pictures of the house when they came in to get the body and my sil took more as it got cleaned up.  Real nice folks.  I got to keep my kids for an extra few months to see if I was anything like a good father but I was going through the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life and wasn't a really good anything let alone a parent.  I did clean and keep the house up but my kids refused to help so I was on my own for the most part.  Try as I might I just couldn't get on with my life like I was supposed to, from what I'm told I was.  I couldn't sleep in my bed, couldn't drink soda, and couldn't stay away from the computer.  I smoked like a chimney.  I was in charge of my housing complex so I had duties to perform for that but they were really no big deal.  My greatest joy was a friend I had met at Wal Mart.  She kept me sane (mostly) through it all.  I restarted an old habbit of writing down poetry and most of it was to her.  I loved her so much I almost couldn't stand it.  In a lot of ways I still do and always will.  We fell in love during those days but she had a boyfriend & I was insane so it wasn't going to work out very well.  Now she's married and there's a chance they might make a go of it, Congrats to them.

     They took my kids on April 29th of 2000.  My son turned 12 the very next day.  "Happy Birthday! You're going to Florida and never seeing your Dad again if we can help it!"  I got to see them once more since then but they were still so mad at me for losing them in the first place it wasn't the greatest visit.  I got calls and letters from them from time to time but my oldest daughter only wanted me to send her everything she ever owned since birth and my son was severely scatterbrained so coherents wasn't his specialty.  My middle daughter just wanted to see me again.  She adopted me quickest of all the kids when we first got together.  My oldest resented my presence and today wont even talk to me unless I'm willing to give her everything she ever owned since birth.  My son is still scattered out there but he's trying to have a real life, I'm proud of him.  I'm proud of my middle daughter too because she's trying to have a real life too.  They both have jobs and are working to better themselves.  My oldest daughter is sponging off of her biofather in AZ trying to forget that I was ever a part of her life.  My son is in SC & middle daughter is still in FL. 

     I was 20 when I got married in 1991.  It was the right thing to do because I finally found the other half of me.  Then she was gone 9 years later and it almost killed me.  21 days shy of our 9th anniversary at 4:20 in the morning, she died of complications from pneumonia.  I escorted her to bed around 11 that night and she got up around 3 and had a can of apricots(I still can't eat them things) and came back, patted me on the head and told me she loved me and then got out of her body and went walking.  It's indescribable to find yourself waking up to the other half of you, in your bed, gone.  Disturbing doesn't even come close.  Now I sit & look at the box containing her ashes and think what would I be doing if she had lived.  It really fucks you up.  (mess just aint enough)

     Losing your entire family in 3 months is a real fucked up experience.  The judge just looked at me and said that I wasn't what the kids needed right now.  DCFS told me that I was "grooming" my middle daughter to take her mother's place.  Lotta sick nasty fuckin people out there with twisted minds.  They were fascinated by a shirt I bought my middle daughter when she was 8 that said "Daddy's Girl" on it and said it was proof that I was going to do bad things to her in the future.  She was thirteen and hadn't worn the shirt in a very long time but still I was a bad person for buying it.  Go figure.  Do they really make those things just for pervs that want to rape their daughters?  Be careful folks of how you hug your kids and what you do to show them you love them.  It might come back to bite you in the ass. 

      I have a new family now.  I still miss my kids but they are 20,21,&22 so they got to take care of themselves as best they can.  All I can hope for is that I taught them something that helped.  I don't feel a real desire to get married again but the lady I'm with is great.  She takes care of me well when she can.  I have a 17 year old son and a 19 year old daughter.  Deb has a 30 year old son that I haven't quite gotten the best of yet but we get along well.  Deb is 11 years my senior but we don't let that get in the way of being happy as we can.  She likes my poetry even if she doesn't understand much of it.  She loves me though and that's what is important. 

     Welp, I've bent your eyes long enough.  I'm probably not going to go back to bed but I may rest a little on the couch.  Y'all have a good day and remember, hold your family close as you can because you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

For those of you following my problem, IT'S OVER!!!! My shrink found the problem.  I was having a bad reaction to a drug (abillify) that he put me on a few months ago.  After 12 days of a constant migraine & being stoned on lortabs, it ended.  Now I'm coming off of the lortabs.  My body is slowly adjusting to the absence of lortab and abillify.  My shrink put me on cogentin for a while till the abillify is gone.  He says it may take a few weeks to totally get outa here but at least it's moving.  I'm so thrilled not to be in pain I almost don't know what to do with myself.  SSSSHHHHHHH the first thing I did was to have fantastic sex with Deb.  That's all for now folks.  Thanks for thinking of me.  You should see some new poetry soon, I'm looking for a new insprirational spot.  Wish me luck or good karma.  ttfn

Seeing how freaked I was about the spinal tap, my dr in his infinate wisdom decided that I had a virus and that he'd treat the symptoms till it goes away.  So I dodged the bullet.  I'm thrilled but this virus sucks.  I'll just stay stoned a while longer and get better as it happens.  No biggy.  For those few of you concerned, I'll live.  Now I got to get back to petting my kitty before she crawls up my nose again.  She does this every time I sit in my desk chair.  Don't ask me why, but I Love her so I tolerate it.  See yuns l8r.  Love Me

It's been ten days and I'm still feeling like shit.  My dr says it may be meningitis and Deb says it may be drug addiction.  I have been on lortabs for over a week now and they are the only thing keeping me going.  I can't stand light or loud noises.  I can't stand to wake up every morning because I feel like I've been hit with a ballpeen hammer in the head. I haven't written a damn thing in 3 weeks and it's killing me not to write.  I still haven't found a place around here to go and sit to write.  I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't write something soon.  Poetry is my only outlet and now I don't even have it.  Geeeeez this sucks.  I'll post another blog tonite letting y'all know what my dr finally says.  I go see him at 1:00 today and he'll do a spinal tap and find out what is really wrong with me.  I hope it at least has a name.  Not knowing is the hardest part.  I want my brain back from these drugs and I want the pain to go away.  I will try to write something good between now and then.  If not then you'll just have to suffer like me with no poetry to read in my blog.  Love Me